Memories, in the stillness...

I have had a rough week with illness, not getting the work I need done and lots of time in bed and on the couch...in the stillness. There is so much that happens in the stillness…

We have been purging the house of unneeded items, extra items, items to sell, items I look at and say, “Why did I keep this? What is this?” Then there are the items that grip your heart, pierce the moment and the memories begin to leak out…

I am going to be 40 in June and it has become very real that I do not have my parents with me here on earth, I have no relationship with one of my brothers, and friends come and go in my life. It is sometimes easier for me to get rid of my stuff because so much of what God has for me and my family is in front of us; however, this week in the stillness I have heard His voice…slow down, slow down for your boys. He whispers...”I make all things new, beauty from ashes.” It is easy to go into faith mode with our little guys as they have shown such great trust in our Abba and in us as their earthly parents…it is easy to throw out pile after pile of my mom’s old bills, yearbooks, letters from old friends, stuff and more stuff. In the stillness tonight I realize the amount of pain, suffering, joy and love attached to the memories of these items…many of them painful as I see pictures of my dad playfully kissing my mom and my mom intentionally staring into my dad’s eyes as she sits on his lap…I have a picture of my sister Lana at 3 days old before prematurity took her life..she looks like a little man…then the memory leaks out in my mom’s voice…”that forever formed your dad’s ideas on abortion”. I smile as I see now why he loved babies so much. I have a card with a beautiful purple Iris flower on it that my dad actually wrote in for my mom…he was a man of few words so this is precious. I embrace the pain and the joy and the love that brought me into this world as a gift to my parents knowing now it is Christ in me that is a gift to the world…this truth wipes away the harsh words spoken over me during my time with my dying daddy…words spoken out of fear and pain from a woman…”Your dad never wanted to move from California and have you guys”. The words bastard and orphan are now wiped from my soul and my spirit overflows with the truth that I am His beloved…in the stillness I remember some of the last words my daddy spoke to me in his raspy, raw voice as it was eaten away by cancer…tears streamed down his cheeks and he said “remember how I said I had no regrets in my life, well if anyone ever tells you that then they are full of shit….I have one regret, that I walked away from you and your brother.”…there were more words in the stillness of that moment but they are not meant for now…

As I tucked the boys into bed tonight and we talked about how much fun they were going to have at their friends…the Kasovacs…dear friends…and in the stillness I am reminded that friends do stick around through the hard times…so many good friends that have been through life, death, divorce and celebration this last 5 years. I think of my beautiful friend Lexie that has not run from me because her life got dark and real…her three amazing boys that run alongside our boys every chance they get…BBs forever…the Waddells…all 7 of them…the ultimate memory of our Jesus captivating them with His love, so real, so safe…our boys forever changed by the innocent love of girls their age…the Piersons…family hide and seek, truth, and a safe place to talk about Holy Spirit…our boys share library books, they have learned to work things out and not run from the hard conversations…there are so many more but in the stillness tonight the Lord shows me these precious ones and says…this is why you slow down, do not be quick to throw your boys stuff aside…their memories are not yours! Gideon says…”mama you are the best mama” as Tobiah turns and adds his voice…”yea, you can tell by just looking at her, the way she is, she is a good mom.” It pierces my soul and His spirit fills the room…their memories are good, pure…they have two parents that love them, that love Jesus with a reckless abandonment…They trust their Jesus with their lives, their friends…they have said yes to our calling as a family…their pictures mean something to them…Gideon’s tears meant something yesterday as the plastic cup Grandma Starr drank Eegees out of on her last birthday crashed to the ground and broke…he said through deep sobs…”that gave me memories of grandma”. God has made things new in our boys, their souls, their spirits…He has taken the ashes of their parents’ past, their grandparents’ past and made it into a beautiful present and future…in the stillness I feel His embrace, His love, His sovereignty…He reminds me of His scripture in Isaiah 40:11…”He tends His flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in His arms and carries them close to His heart; He gently leads those that have young.”…His promise to us as parents…Then he reminds me through a dear friend and she gives me these words..."My dear Carla, the sermon at church yesterday made me think of you...John 13:23, "Now there was leaning on Jesus' bosom..."All the disciples were troubled by what Jesus had just told them and John sought comfort by laying his head on the chest of Jesus, he could hear the heartbeat of Jesus, he loved Jesus. That is the place we should all seek to live. That is the heartbeat we should all listen to. Your heart and life beats to that of Jesus." These words, that truth is healing balm to me as my prayer has been to know His heartbeat, for my boys to know His heartbeat...in the stillness tonight I journey into the calling the Lord has given and promised...Africa, it is His best for us...there will be beauty from ashes in the country of Mozambique...for their Shepherd is calling them...in the stillness...He will gather them close to His heart...

 

Do Not Resuscitate…Breathe!

This blog may not be for all to read…it deals with a very sensitive reality…death…it also deals with the even greater reality of life in Christ. These words are written out of my own sufferings of losing many to cancer: childhood friends, one of my mentors and even my precious parents. It also overflows from the many years I have cared for those ending their journey here on earth and most recently in the last 5 years, in hospice care. It is a reality I face even greater now as my family and I head into great oppression and death at many levels in Mozambique. Thank you for taking the journey with me…

Do not resuscitate (DNR), or no code, is a legal order written in the hospital or on a legal form to withhold CPR or advanced cardiac life support, in respect of the wishes of a patient in case their heart were to stop or they were to stop breathing…As a hospice nurse, one of the most challenging scenarios is when you are caring for a person that is dying but you must honor their wish to NOT be a DNR.  The desire to be under hospice care to die and the desire to be resuscitated to live collide. It can be one of the most anguishing journeys for all involved, especially the person that is dying. The battle becomes beyond physical, it is a battle that engulfs one’s whole being.  

I see this more and more as the years go on as people of great faith pray for healing here on earth and those of no faith fear death and push it back with every breath they have left. I myself am learning to walk out my faith in prayer and healing or as my dear friend TL would say when you pray “swing for the fence”…praying with the faith that complete physical healing will happen here on earth. I also know that there is a greater promise…the completion that needs to take place when Jesus’ returns as written in Revelation 21:4 “He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”

There is an overwhelming fear in our country, our culture to think of “taking our last breath”. I remember delivering my first son Tobiah. It seemed as if everyone in the room was holding their breath waiting for him to take his first breath. Before I go further, let’s look at the word breath.

Breath…an inhalation or exhalation of air from the lungs.

Breath…the power of breathing; life; life force.

Breath…time to breathe; respite; pause.

Genesis 2:7 “And the Lord God formed a man from the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life.”

The fight to breathe can be physically painful, better known as “air hunger”. You feel the need to breathe but it is difficult so you may have an ongoing distressing feeling of not being able to get enough air. There may be a sense of pain or breathlessness. This becomes not only a physical struggle but a spiritual struggle, something I have experienced over and over with those dying and have prayed and studied on how to prevent and bring more comfort. I have now learned it has become a time where there needs to be a surrendering from the one dying and eventually a release of control. I have learned how to stay present during suffering through Holy Spirit.

To die, to take your last breath can be scary for many reasons…will I be in pain, will I suffer, what will happen to my spouse, what will happen to my children? I have to say I have struggled with these questions on many days… a day when I am in a home caring for a 30 year old with two small children. Their mama has breast cancer that has spread now to her brain, spine and other vital organs. I watch as her husband attempts to live life around her dying body…he is trying to figure out what to make for dinner as their young children sit by their mama who is now unable to respond to their hugs, kisses and banter back and forth as they do their homework. As the air hunger takes over her body you can see the lack of breath in her loved ones as the grief and pain is just too much…they hold their breath in anguish waiting for her last breath. The roles have reversed… a mama that held her breath as she awaited the first breath of her new born child.  Their dependence on each other is what makes the house a home…their presence in each other’s life has become their life force, their drive to breath. Their love for each other is what has given and strengthened their lives…

Wait! Breathe! Pause…

Genesis 2:7…God formed us; He breathed into the nostrils the breath of life…

Wait! Breathe! Pause…

We now see the reality that breathing, the power of breathing, inhaling and exhaling illustrates our vulnerability…it is a physical manifestation of our complete dependence on our Maker, our Breath Giver, our Life Force. We hunger for air…we hunger and battle…we fight until He speaks in a whisper…we learn to surrender…we learn to release. Most of all, we learn to be present in others’ suffering for He is our Breath, our Life Force and the reality is when we believe in Him and the sacrifice He made as He took His last breath on Calvary there is no “last breath” and no end of life. There is eternity, there is Sozo…complete, whole healing and salvation.  

Piles...

 

 

 

 

I sit in our office….surrounded by clutter. We sort, we pile, I move it, Ian asks where I moved the pile. I sit in our office surrounded by piles of memories…..my mom died over two years ago and there are boxes piled next to me, ready for me to sort….all that remains of her years of piles. I grade papers today and try to figure out how students can get their nursing degree so quickly now when it took me years and piles of late night work…..I am tired….I am weary….I sit in our office and think of my Jesus. When will I see Him face to face? How many more piles will I have to move, how many more years remain? It hits me deep….how many more remains…how many human remains? My piles seem to dim as I ponder the piles of lives……

Poor nutrition causes nearly half (45%) of deaths in children under 5…..3.1 million children each year. During the Rwanda genocide 800,000 people were killed in 6 weeks. During the Holocaust 11 million people died, 1.5 million of them children. In Sudan….480,000 people were killed and 2.8 million displaced. In 2008 there were 1.21 million babies killed by abortion in the United States…..

My boys yell for me to come snuggle, say their prays…..I move my piles, move away from the desk that has engulfed my life today……Gideon moves the piles of stuffed animals to make room for me beside him….I am tired….I am weary….we pray and talk of our Jesus. When will we see Him face to face? If you had 3 wishes, Jaidan asks…if for some reason we were somewhere where there is a genie in a bottle, what would you wish for? Goodness, I have piles of wishes……I again think of the lives lost including my own parents…..I weep softly next to Gideon…..the piles of memories that will never be known. Then Gideon answers…..I wish when we were born, we would go right into Heaven with Jesus!

My heart stills….I see a glimpse of my Jesus face to face in my very own child….my Gideon. I was lying in silence longing to see Jesus and the Lord heard my heart just as He heard Sarah laugh to herself as she thought about her age and giving birth to a child…..He hears our inner thoughts, the thoughts that go unspoken…..He calms my heart….He acknowledges my weakness without shame…..He reminds me…..He speaks to me through the verses of the song playing softly on my computer…..

The dust that we were made of
Is calling us to free them
The earth that we were pulled from
Is crying, "liberate us!"

We won't be satisfied
'Till the earth looks just like heaven

Like the waters cover the sea
Let the earth be filled with Your glory
'Till the prayers You prayed become reality
And the earth looks just like heaven…….

I realize I have carried a pile of burdens this week, burdens that do not belong to me but He reminds me of my prayer….”break my heart Lord for what breaks yours”. He is a good God, a God that honored my request…..and for a few minutes tonight my heart broke, it broke for lives lost, it broke for injustice, it broke for war, it broke and wept…….and in my brokenness I caught a glimpse of His face, just like when He looked into the eyes of the hemorrhaging woman…..He sees my heart…..He calls me daughter.

 

 

 

 

Suffering, Joy, Salvation...

The Lord has been preparing me these last few weeks to teach, preach....whatever you like to say women do at church when they talk about Jesus, His love, and His Word up in front like the pastor usually does. That could be an entirely different blog. :) The three words that have consistently been in my readings, my current experiences and in my family's journey are Suffering, Joy and Salvation. Jesus suffered for us all because we were His joy and His gift to us was and is Salvation. What do we do with our suffering? Someone once said, "Suffering is always an opportunity for grace but only after it has been picked up and embraced. The real goal of life is to keep expanding the heart, to grow it outward, for the life of the world." I am thankful Jesus embraced death and the cross fully so I could have eternal life. God has also spoken many times this week about the faith of Abraham, the promises, the covenants, and the ultimate covenant of Jesus. All these readings and reflections just to remind me that He is good.....He is good ALL the time. How will we sacrifice? How will we be love in action? How will we embrace another's suffering knowing it will bring them great joy?

God has reminded me this evening of my words to Him in a journal entry I wrote before the day I moved in with my dying mother to care for her.  I see His right hand this day fulfilling my prayer as Gideon called me into his room two nights ago and this was our discussion...

"Mama, you know who I want to be like?"

"No Gideon, tell me."

"I want to be like Jesus." I lied down next to him and looked into his eyes... "What does that mean Gideon, describe what that looks like?"

"Well Jesus did lots of things, He created the world..."

"What else Gideon, what else would you like to do?"

"I want to raise people from the dead, love them and heal them."

Just as simple as that Gideon knew in his spirit....why? Because Jesus is already living in Gideon through Holy Spirit! Gideon has the heart of His Abba, His Heavenly Father.

And this is my journal entry from 5/8/12...

"Tomorrow I begin a new journey as I take time to be with my mama-sacrifice my life as she loses hers. Today I trust You Lord, I trust You to hold me, give me rest in the long suffering, that I will be Your hands and feet. Lord, hold my family, my little guys in Your right hand-comfort them and speak to them each day-even Gideon at 3 years old-beckon him to Your heart. Speak to them as they grow to be men that love You. You remind me that my faith can be as Abraham and Paul-they moved in action as God asked because He would do as He promised. I stand in that faith and the love of my Abba Father-thank You Jesus."

Beauty for ashes....there is always a great exchange. My mama's physical life and in return her grandchildren's great faith and their eternal life...

Expectations...

I have learned over the last 4 years that I cannot place expectations on others, on my relationships. This has brought me great freedom. I like you all have lost dear friends because of expectations. We all want to be "peacekeepers" but it takes great humility to be "peacemakers". To admit we have chinks in our armor as my dear friend De Landgraf says. I was able to care for my dying parents and many others in need because of no expectations.... was it easy, no.....was it worth it , yes....because we are all worth it. You do not abandon people because you once were abandoned. You love people because deep inside they know Love and when you love them they recognize the Maker of that Love. My identity is Christ, My future is Christ, My healing is Christ, My reality is Christ. Suffering and Joy will continue to journey together with me as I live out the Kingdom. We are to walk as Jesus after all and if you read the Word He continually walked through Joy and Suffering but did so with Power and Authority. If you look through the eyes of our Abba at people, you are going to feel their suffering and grief like their Daddy. God cannot disappoint us as He is only good.....We cannot place expectations on Him that are not true of His character and His promises.... The reality is He shed His blood for all of us and we all belong to Him.....you may not believe it but it does not change the truth. You are precious, blameless and royalty because you belong to Him. We are in covenant.....We are His joy...We are His love.

To abide...

It has been a journey of maturity for me these past couple years of learning to abide, learning to live life fully while abiding, learning to embrace the suffering of my losses in my life while abiding. For those of you who know me well and have worked along side me during my nursing career, you know I am usually very calm in crisis, can journey along side a dying person while maintaining my emotions but still provide holistic and compassionate care, and stand my ground with any prideful, difficult surgeon while developing trust in the relationship. I do not say this to brag, I say this to prepare you for what happened to me this past Monday.....

My 5-year old son Gideon is horribly restless when he sleeps, so of course the nurse and researcher in me has completely assessed and diagnosed his condition- his tonsils are enlarged causing irregular breathing patterns at night, hyper-extension of his neck when he sleeps, and constant karate chopping of his parents necks as he sneaks into their bed and thrashes around at night sometimes to maintain his airway. Again, what a great assessment and knowledge the medical filed has provided me...but surgery does have a cost and is always a risk in a young child even with something as simple as removing tonsils. Well, I continue to learn that sometimes our dependence on knowledge actually weakens our faith.

Monday night Gideon fell asleep in our bed after helping us paint his bedroom. I asked Ian to move him as it was hot, he was sweaty and I was tired. I had a fleeting thought of, "he is supposed to stay in our bed." Ian lovingly moved his limp little body into his own bed. About and hour later we heard the sound...

THUNK!

The sound of my precious little guy's head hitting the tile, head first as he fell out of bed in his restless state. He immediately began to cry. Ian carried him into our bed where of course I remained calm, began to assess, used Ian's phone as a flashlight to check his pupil size and reaction...I became a bit concerned when he would not be verbal with me. Then as any experienced nurse would do, I began to further assess him for nausea, neck pain and dizziness as I thought of how the internal bleeding and swelling could have started- of course the extreme thoughts were running through my head but not verbalized to my panicked husband. I quickly thought about the cost of the ER visit and strapping him down for a scan of his brain when I could not even get him to keep an ice pack on his head! And then,

THUNK!

It hit my spirit like a sword cutting through marrow...the Lord impressed on me, "Carla let him rest against your chest, allow yourself to weep softly over him, begin to pray healing in Jesus' name, and allow him to abide as I have asked you to abide in Me. Pray healing over him, praise Me and in the morning joy will come as you see him healed." Ian will tell you when our boys get hurt, I never cry. At the same time, without me saying a word to Ian...Ian turned on a worship song and placed it on repeat. He then got down on his knees by the bed in a posture of prayer and worship and we began praising the Lord and praying over Gideon...our Mighty Warrior. Our Lord's Mighty Warrior...

I allowed myself to weep and thought of us in Africa in this situation. What would we do? in the medical field you run to the next test, medical, or professional opinion. I assessed him, I knew he was okay...the Lord again impressed on me, "If you trust Me, abide in Me as you weep over your son, My son."

As we layed hands on Gideon and prayed over the goose egg that had quickly grown as far out as his little nose and was already the color of a horrid bruise, Love showed up.....and the goose egg began to shrink under our hands, the color began to return to normal, Gideon began to rest and stop crying. He relaxed more and more against my chest- Ian and I did not speak a word to each other but continued to worship, praise, and pray. Yes, I will repeat, the goose egg was shrinking under our praying hands. I wept softly until Gideon fell asleep, completely relaxed and safe in my arms.

I woke the next morning to Gideon lying by my side awake, talking, full of joy and without a goose egg! The only evidence of his head meeting the tile was a very faint, pale, and scant streak of what used to be a bruise. I woke to joy and healing!


"Abide in me, and I in you. As the branch cannot bear fruit by itself, unless it abides in the vine, neither can you, unless you abide in me."     John 15:4 (ESV)

I sit here typing out my heart to you. There have been times lately at my current job where I am completely misunderstood and I grieve and think, "If only I could take my heart out and place it in you so you can understand." But then I am reminded of my identity and Who I belong to...Who I need to abide in. I sit here worshipping to the song below...

The more I seek You,
The more I find You.
The more I find You,
The more I love You.

I want to sit at your feet,
Drink from the cup in Your hand.
Lay back against You and breath,
Feel Your heartbeat.

This love is so deep,
It's more than I can stand.
I melt in Your peace,
It's overwhelming.

I am overwhelmed, I am deeply in love and consumed by His provision, healing, and truth. I believe in His sacrifice and love for all of us, those that believe and those that do not. I believe if His people in Africa seek Him, they will be healed and overwhelmed by His love amongst their suffering.

I choose to seek Him, I choose to love, I choose healing, I choose to trust, I choose Jesus, I choose to abide...

Who do You say I am?

We are a culture of labels, diagnoses and identity theft. We are battered women, severely mentally ill, sex offenders, Democrats, Republicans, tree huggers, Jesus freaks, rich, poor, marginalized, lost...

I have found myself heartsick these past few weeks as I work with the homeless, dying and mentally ill. I participate in critically thinking out symptom management and behavior modification. As I venture out into the field and engage potential patients during intakes, I inquire with many questions and the answers I get are:

I am an addict
I am depressed
I am not wanted by my family
I am a felon
I am dying

There are days where during my questions I find myself looking through the eyes of Jesus into the heart, soul, and spirit of each person. Their identity has been stolen and replaced with a man made identity driven by our system and our culture. The spirit I feel and see over these precious people is one I ironically saw over and over in the developing country of Mozambique. The orphaned spirit...abandoned, hopeless, shamed. People so lost that the only identity they can find is through a diagnosis in our mental health system. They hold tight to their diagnosis as it brings them hope and the possibility of much needed benefits...medication, food, housing, counseling, and at times income.

What we are witnessing is an identity crisis from a broken or non-existent relationship with our Heavenly Father, the one true source of life...our identity.

A Father that lavishes His love on us to the point of death. A Father that calls us sons and daughters. A Father that sees us holy, blameless, worthy.

"Looking to Jesus, the founder and perfecter of our faith, who for the joy that was set before Him endured the cross despising the shame, and is seated at the right hand of the throne of God."  Hebrew 12:2 (ESV)

We are His joy!

"The love of Christ knows no boundaries, it recognizes no labels."

He promises to meet us where we are; therefore, we are to meet others where they are. He calls us love; therefore, we are called to love. The greatest becomes the least and the least becomes the greatest. He will not forsake us in our weakness, He will be our strength.

We are not defined or limited by others...we are freed by His love for us.