Memories, in the stillness...

I have had a rough week with illness, not getting the work I need done and lots of time in bed and on the couch...in the stillness. There is so much that happens in the stillness…

We have been purging the house of unneeded items, extra items, items to sell, items I look at and say, “Why did I keep this? What is this?” Then there are the items that grip your heart, pierce the moment and the memories begin to leak out…

I am going to be 40 in June and it has become very real that I do not have my parents with me here on earth, I have no relationship with one of my brothers, and friends come and go in my life. It is sometimes easier for me to get rid of my stuff because so much of what God has for me and my family is in front of us; however, this week in the stillness I have heard His voice…slow down, slow down for your boys. He whispers...”I make all things new, beauty from ashes.” It is easy to go into faith mode with our little guys as they have shown such great trust in our Abba and in us as their earthly parents…it is easy to throw out pile after pile of my mom’s old bills, yearbooks, letters from old friends, stuff and more stuff. In the stillness tonight I realize the amount of pain, suffering, joy and love attached to the memories of these items…many of them painful as I see pictures of my dad playfully kissing my mom and my mom intentionally staring into my dad’s eyes as she sits on his lap…I have a picture of my sister Lana at 3 days old before prematurity took her life..she looks like a little man…then the memory leaks out in my mom’s voice…”that forever formed your dad’s ideas on abortion”. I smile as I see now why he loved babies so much. I have a card with a beautiful purple Iris flower on it that my dad actually wrote in for my mom…he was a man of few words so this is precious. I embrace the pain and the joy and the love that brought me into this world as a gift to my parents knowing now it is Christ in me that is a gift to the world…this truth wipes away the harsh words spoken over me during my time with my dying daddy…words spoken out of fear and pain from a woman…”Your dad never wanted to move from California and have you guys”. The words bastard and orphan are now wiped from my soul and my spirit overflows with the truth that I am His beloved…in the stillness I remember some of the last words my daddy spoke to me in his raspy, raw voice as it was eaten away by cancer…tears streamed down his cheeks and he said “remember how I said I had no regrets in my life, well if anyone ever tells you that then they are full of shit….I have one regret, that I walked away from you and your brother.”…there were more words in the stillness of that moment but they are not meant for now…

As I tucked the boys into bed tonight and we talked about how much fun they were going to have at their friends…the Kasovacs…dear friends…and in the stillness I am reminded that friends do stick around through the hard times…so many good friends that have been through life, death, divorce and celebration this last 5 years. I think of my beautiful friend Lexie that has not run from me because her life got dark and real…her three amazing boys that run alongside our boys every chance they get…BBs forever…the Waddells…all 7 of them…the ultimate memory of our Jesus captivating them with His love, so real, so safe…our boys forever changed by the innocent love of girls their age…the Piersons…family hide and seek, truth, and a safe place to talk about Holy Spirit…our boys share library books, they have learned to work things out and not run from the hard conversations…there are so many more but in the stillness tonight the Lord shows me these precious ones and says…this is why you slow down, do not be quick to throw your boys stuff aside…their memories are not yours! Gideon says…”mama you are the best mama” as Tobiah turns and adds his voice…”yea, you can tell by just looking at her, the way she is, she is a good mom.” It pierces my soul and His spirit fills the room…their memories are good, pure…they have two parents that love them, that love Jesus with a reckless abandonment…They trust their Jesus with their lives, their friends…they have said yes to our calling as a family…their pictures mean something to them…Gideon’s tears meant something yesterday as the plastic cup Grandma Starr drank Eegees out of on her last birthday crashed to the ground and broke…he said through deep sobs…”that gave me memories of grandma”. God has made things new in our boys, their souls, their spirits…He has taken the ashes of their parents’ past, their grandparents’ past and made it into a beautiful present and future…in the stillness I feel His embrace, His love, His sovereignty…He reminds me of His scripture in Isaiah 40:11…”He tends His flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in His arms and carries them close to His heart; He gently leads those that have young.”…His promise to us as parents…Then he reminds me through a dear friend and she gives me these words..."My dear Carla, the sermon at church yesterday made me think of you...John 13:23, "Now there was leaning on Jesus' bosom..."All the disciples were troubled by what Jesus had just told them and John sought comfort by laying his head on the chest of Jesus, he could hear the heartbeat of Jesus, he loved Jesus. That is the place we should all seek to live. That is the heartbeat we should all listen to. Your heart and life beats to that of Jesus." These words, that truth is healing balm to me as my prayer has been to know His heartbeat, for my boys to know His heartbeat...in the stillness tonight I journey into the calling the Lord has given and promised...Africa, it is His best for us...there will be beauty from ashes in the country of Mozambique...for their Shepherd is calling them...in the stillness...He will gather them close to His heart...