Then we went into the mode
many people go into…how do we survive? How do we make ends meet? How do we
self-preserve because sometimes God just does not feel like enough?
This began countless nights of
Ian up, not sleeping, in pain…many nights of me getting up to see him lying on
the ground…on his stomach, on his back…whatever position to relieve the pain but
the one constant was the sound of worship and praise playing over him as he was
battling to hold on to the promises of the Lord. To this day when these nights are brought to
remembrance, my faith is strengthened by the unwavering faith my husband sowed
in tears over our household, over our family, over our future. Ian was a young
dad, a young husband, a young business owner that could no longer provide consistent
income for his family...he could not run around with his little boys and toss
them over his shoulder. When we finally got him into one of the best spinal
surgeons in the state he was told…you need to rest, do not lift anything. Yea,
you can imagine how we walked out of that appointment full of hope!? NOT! How
does a father of two and soon three rest and not lift his own children as his
wife struggles to lift her own shoe off the ground with her big belly in the
way! We knew God’s ways would have to be greater than man’s ways at this point…ONLY
JESUS!
We prayed, we cried, we were
silent in the struggle of decision making…but then it was decided…I would return
to work at the hospital, to one of the toughest medical floors known to a nurse,
12 hour shifts…in my third trimester with only God as my security at this
point. I continued my weekly OB appointments, my weekly ultrasounds but my
self-directed bedrest was now a thing of the past and yes, Ian had to lift our
boys up each day to help bath them, dress them and care for them. And...God provided…He provided abundance of
energy, health, rest, compassion, grace, assurance and assistance through all the
amazing people I worked with, through our friends that loved us. His Spirit rested
upon me and in me…He reminded me of His promises as I was caught between the
crossfire of fear of man and the revelation and wisdom of my Abba that
sometimes a mama can only understand. There is risk in many decisions we make,
but I have learned that the risk of disobedience and not following the peace of
God is greater. We followed the peace although it looked like insanity and yes
even stupidity and neglect to others…and yes I know some of you reading this
now will think and feel again those same emotions and judge me so I am thankful
for grace and identity.
During this time Ian began to
seek some relief through medical intervention and pain specialists as we
discovered Ian had two herniated disks. We decided to try steroid injections as
surgery was not an option and any type of pain medication would put Ian into a
partial coma! We had learned this lesson during his hip surgery when the nurse
came out to the recovery room and explained to me about his lack of breathing
during surgery as he was so naïve to sedation and then again when his blood
pressure dropped to almost nothing when given morphine and nausea medication at
two separate times. Yea, you could say the Lord has watched over Ian better
than any doctor! Scary times, but God was good, is good!
I worked until the last few
days of my pregnancy…had some complications getting the stitch removed from my
cervix. Crazy…all that concern over the stitch not holding up, preterm labor
and so much more and now it took another hospitalization to get it removed! Then
still no labor…so I was induced and Gideon was born…healthy, full of fight and
joy! Gideon, our mighty warrior!
We moved forward, although
most days felt as if we were crawling forward…I worked some part-time, Ian
managed to get through appointments on his good days. We were able to always have
one of us home with the boys which was always important to us, to me...as I was a
survivor of sexual abuse during the years of my childhood at a babysitter’s
home. God was faithful…He knew our hearts’ desires but we still struggled knowing
that there was even more He had for us…there was a fullness in Him we were not
living in. There was healing, tangible healing we knew we needed, our marriage
needed, our hearts needed…but most days we were feeling around in the dark trying
to get our balance just to take the next step.
Then in His grace, when we
asked...He again lit our path.
But to my surprise, there was no longer a path but
a cliff, and my tired, bloody feet were at the edge of it…
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