Caught in the crossfire...

So many times we take risks…actually every day when we get up and our feet hit the ground we take a risk. We risk taking a wrong step and twisting an ankle, we risk taking a sip of water and it going down the wrong pipe, we risk saying too much when asked how we feel, we risk not saying enough when fear sets in…we risk over and over. Then as we go sometimes the risk grows greater. We risk heartache engaging in another relationship, we risk losing a friend when we challenge truth, we risk our lives to give life…we get caught in the crossfire.

One of my cherished memories of time with my dad was a discussion we had about life and bringing life into this world. Ian and I lost our first pregnancy in a miscarriage and because of hemorrhaging Ian thought he was going to lose me. During my pregnancy with Tobiah, I became high risk and was hospitalized with complications including preterm labor with an incompetence cervix. At the time, we had four friends living with us that needed a place of respite and by the time I was able to work again, we managed to have $50 in the bank! God was our sufficiency and provider during that time. During Tobiah’s second year of life, we suffered another miscarriage. My mom had suffered with infertility and the same cervix issue. Many do not know but there was a beautiful little girl born before me, months too early into a world with little knowledge of how to care for such a delicate life…her name was Lana Marie Springhower.  Yep, I have a sister! She took her final earthly breath 3 days after she took her first. She was to be my parents’ last child…it was very stressful for my mom, and I would soon learn my dad.  Two years later I was born.

 

 

My dad was forever changed by the death of his daughter and also the birth of his second daughter (me), so much so that after our second miscarriage he chose to go to that uncomfortable place and be vulnerable with me…to talk about death, life and the risk of it all.  He had lost a child, gave up a marriage, he had survived Vietnam and such horrific loss of so many of his colleagues and friends…he spoke from a perspective of deep loss, grief, regret. During the war he had been asked to take a respite to see my mom while most of the others went on an assignment…there were many lives lost during that assignment and my dad’s respite actually saved his life. My dad was one of nine children…my grandpa was around long enough to get my grandma pregnant is how my dad worded it. When he spoke to me that day, he chose his words carefully and I could hear the sorrow, the fear, the wounding and the concern behind each word, each pause…his love was palpable…and I knew then I was caught in the crossfire.

I was caught between his loss of life and my hope for life as he asked the question…”Are you and Ian planning on getting pregnant again?” My heart sank for a minute, tears welled up…not out of fear but out awe for my dad’s concern. A dad that chose to leave me and our family when I was four, a dad that was now choosing to take a risk and speak into my life…he then began to speak out of the grief he still carried from losing my sister Lana, the risk it placed on my mom’s life. I was caught in the crossfire of his perspective of a safe, wise decision and my own journey of decision making with my husband and my Abba Father.  After many intimate words, reassurance of the risk, and respect for one another he understood and respected my choice, Ian’s choice to move forward with having more children. From that day forward he supported me and it was never discussed again. I was pregnant with Jaidan shortly after and survived another nauseating, exhausting, cervix stitched up bed rest pregnancy while caring for Ian as he recovered from an unexpected hip surgery…then Jaidan was born and I hemorrhaged, I recovered…we recovered. Then 23 months after Jaidan was born…we were pregnant with Gideon…the first months full of nausea, another stitched cervix and bedrest. By this time, my specialist trusted I knew my body well enough so I was allowed to gauge my own activity and bedrest which was a blessing as then life took a turn as life does…Ian had been experiencing ongoing back pain, debilitating back pain, after an automobile accident and the fact that one leg was shorter than the other along with the discomfort that the bone graft in his hip and metal plate brought. We had our own business at the time and he needed to drive to appointments to make ends meet…we had survived this during my pregnancy with Jaidan as he was on crutches for several months but on modified bed rest I could at least drive him. Ian called me one evening as he was out on appointments, he was short of breath from the pain he was in as he slowly said…”I just can’t do it anymore, I have to stop driving every few miles because the pain is so bad. I don’t know if I can make it home” I was into my third trimester of pregnancy, me and the baby were doing well. The stitch in my cervix was doing what it was meant to and supporting our pregnancy to term…only a couple more months and then the season of child bearing was over as Ian and I had clearly heard from the Lord that this would be our last pregnancy…we sometimes laugh as I think I heard clearly as I vomited daily into the toilet and then Ian agreed when only at 3 months into the pregnancy I asked if he could schedule a vasectomy! ;)

Ian made it safely home that night by the grace of God. However, we were about to be caught in another crossfire…one that could take life, even our marriage if not brought before the Lord each day.

To be continued…