To dream again, to live again...

It has been 6 months of ups and downs in Africa, but God is faithful. I admit I have struggled many times with my identity as a daughter of the King, as a wife, as a mother, as a friend. The past 5 years I have discovered the amazing, beautiful, resilient person God has created me to be...not because of me, but because of all He has done and is doing. I chose to boast in Him and His ways...to believe He changes the environment when I walk in the room as He lives furiously in me and through me. How do you live out life under a microscope, under others expectations? This past week I came to terms that I had let the fear of man, the false expectation of man, consume my identity to the point of tears and suffering. BUT GOD! He was there waiting for me. I was stuck in the mud on this journey He has blessed me with, and He was there in the still of it holding me. Then last night He spoke to me in the darkness of the night as I slept, He spoke to me in the deepness of my spirit. I had a dream that I was going to the Olympics!!! I dream a lot about water...since I was little...most times I am deathly afraid of it, to get in it, surrounded by it, it engulfs me, it takes my children from me. In reality, I am not a good swimmer. In my dream I was surrounded by pools...not afraid but never got in. Next thing I knew I was in an elevator going up and those around me were starting at me...I felt an incredible presence, and I knew it was God. I felt peace as they stared at me. I looked down at myself and saw I was wearing all white...white running pants, white running shoes, a white hoodie and on the left pocket area of my hoodie was the word OLYMPIAN in dark print. I quickly realized I was going to the Olympics! I then found myself next to an Olympic size pool...I felt great humility as I was kneeling down at the edge, dipping my hands in the water. A lady approached me, and I felt the care and love overflowing from her spirit. She began to speak to me as I started our lesson. She inquired, "You are an Olympian, what area did you qualify in?" I could feel the joy, patience, kindness...all the fruits of the Spirit rising up in me as I answered with calm confidence and utter amazement..."In swimming." In my mind I was thinking in the dream but yet vividly...Lord I never even got in the water, I do not swim well, how am I going to the Olympics? I felt so much peace, so much joy...it was tangible just as the living water running through my hands. Then I woke up...

I woke up feeling renewed, reconciled to who I really am...I am His and He lives furiously in me and through me. He spoke to me as I asked Him what this dream meant...He said it is not a dream, it is your life...the life I have gifted you with when my only Son gave up His life. God has the victory! He qualifies me for the greatness in my life...not by my strength or my skills but by His Spirit. He qualifies us and He calls us...not by the judgment of man, man's expectations or rules but by His love for me. We represent Him, He washes us clean and clothes us in righteousness. I am qualified in Christ, called to His ministry and appointed to His work!

Oh how He Loves...

Lots of thoughts this week as I take in the world but most of all His Word. I believe we have difficulty reconciling that the God of the Old Testament is the same God of the New Testament. Why would God flood the earth but yet fully reveal Himself with such sacrificial love in Jesus instead of destroying the earth again? Man resisted the grace of God in the OT and the brutality of the law was manifested. In the NT Grace comes in the form of a man, a man that was also God...Jesus. I heard some simple wisdom this week..."I trust when I don't understand. I choose celebration in the middle of things I don't understand." We want to explain all God is in an instant without spending daily time with Him, in His Word with Holy Spirit interpreting. An evangelist I respect, Todd White commented... If God is not your Father and Holy Spirit your mentor, you will be in trouble; you will be codependent on someone instead of colaboring from someone. My view in this season is there is a lack of reading scripture and asking Holy Spirit to interpret...there are more leaders and evangelists seeking/standing on the platform of their safe/palpable theology then there are those kneeling down before His throne and being His hands, feet and moving Jesus. Explaining the scripture in full was never assigned to us. We bring attention to ourselves as we continue to apologize on behalf of "Christians" that have sinned against and brought shame against those of different lifestyles and beliefs instead of bringing attention to the one Who bore our sin, bore our shame, bore our wrath and has already forgiven us. This can be in a perspective false humility and almost a soft religious sales pitch to win someone over to hear your theology and then you become a hindrance between the true Voice and to the true Love...Jesus. He does not need us being His sales pitch, His sugar coating...the Blood actually covered it for us. It does not work in America and definitely not in a third world country. He is beautiful enough, passionate enough, strong enough, tender enough, in love with us enough to show Himself intimately to those who desire Him and His ways.

COURAGE...

In five days I will celebrate my 40th birthday...in Africa. I think of the months prior to our move and the words "you are courageous" bounce around in my head. I realize more than ever how we misunderstand true courage...how we mislabel unconditional love as acceptance. I read the international news today. I read about young girls 8-14 years of age being trained up in East Africa to perform sex acts in order to be sold or married off to men old enough to be their fathers and grandfathers. I think of how they have to wake up each morning to darkness when they should be basking in the warmth of the sun...COURAGE. I read about the history of genocide by Germany years ago in Nambia. I think of how they survived day after day in fear and under the oppression of the lie that they were not human...COURAGE. I read about Jesus appearing in a vision to an ISIS member and saying, "Follow Me", and he chooses to follow...COURAGE. I skim down and read about the Duggars and Bruce Jenner in America along with the surrounding opinions. The Duggars will have to recount the sins of their past for the jury known as social media. Bruce is to be honored with the Arthur Ashe Courage Award. My heart aches, my spirit grieves and groans. Memories flash before me of my parents as they battled to take their last breaths of physical life with dignity, remembering as they had to release all control for others to care for them and for their Abba to receive them...COURAGE. I remember many patients and family members I have cared for in my 15 years of nursing...diverse cultures, diverse backgrounds...sleepless night after sleepless night for all as they journeyed through uncontrolled pain and spiritual anguish...COURAGE. I look across the fence of my new home and see a 6 year old with a 6 month old wrapped on his back, walking barefoot along the road, smiling, semi-trucks speeding by with what is left of their brakes...COURAGE. I sit across from a 13 year old girl as she holds her 4 month old sibling and updates us on the amount of diarrhea she has had the last 24 hours, we instruct her on what to do next and she intently listens...COURAGE.  The most courageous people I have seen in my short 40 years will have no celebrity status, no award ceremony, no social media status battles declaring unconditional love and acceptance between Christian and Secular, instead there will be money exchanged for child sex slaves, funerals for infants that have lived for months without even being given a name along with unmarked graves, there will be years of grief for those that cared for the sick and dying, deep emotional wounds for those survivors that are told the holocaust and genocide never happened...COURAGE, COURAGE, and more COURAGE. I end my day thanking the Lord for new perspective, true perspective, eternal perspective...JESUS...He was beaten and tortured for us, took the wrath, bore the shame, was mocked, and is still mocked...COURAGE. He is my COURAGE, Christ in Carla and nothing more.

"For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love, and self-discipline."
  -2 Timothy 1:7

Memories, in the stillness...

I have had a rough week with illness, not getting the work I need done and lots of time in bed and on the couch...in the stillness. There is so much that happens in the stillness…

We have been purging the house of unneeded items, extra items, items to sell, items I look at and say, “Why did I keep this? What is this?” Then there are the items that grip your heart, pierce the moment and the memories begin to leak out…

I am going to be 40 in June and it has become very real that I do not have my parents with me here on earth, I have no relationship with one of my brothers, and friends come and go in my life. It is sometimes easier for me to get rid of my stuff because so much of what God has for me and my family is in front of us; however, this week in the stillness I have heard His voice…slow down, slow down for your boys. He whispers...”I make all things new, beauty from ashes.” It is easy to go into faith mode with our little guys as they have shown such great trust in our Abba and in us as their earthly parents…it is easy to throw out pile after pile of my mom’s old bills, yearbooks, letters from old friends, stuff and more stuff. In the stillness tonight I realize the amount of pain, suffering, joy and love attached to the memories of these items…many of them painful as I see pictures of my dad playfully kissing my mom and my mom intentionally staring into my dad’s eyes as she sits on his lap…I have a picture of my sister Lana at 3 days old before prematurity took her life..she looks like a little man…then the memory leaks out in my mom’s voice…”that forever formed your dad’s ideas on abortion”. I smile as I see now why he loved babies so much. I have a card with a beautiful purple Iris flower on it that my dad actually wrote in for my mom…he was a man of few words so this is precious. I embrace the pain and the joy and the love that brought me into this world as a gift to my parents knowing now it is Christ in me that is a gift to the world…this truth wipes away the harsh words spoken over me during my time with my dying daddy…words spoken out of fear and pain from a woman…”Your dad never wanted to move from California and have you guys”. The words bastard and orphan are now wiped from my soul and my spirit overflows with the truth that I am His beloved…in the stillness I remember some of the last words my daddy spoke to me in his raspy, raw voice as it was eaten away by cancer…tears streamed down his cheeks and he said “remember how I said I had no regrets in my life, well if anyone ever tells you that then they are full of shit….I have one regret, that I walked away from you and your brother.”…there were more words in the stillness of that moment but they are not meant for now…

As I tucked the boys into bed tonight and we talked about how much fun they were going to have at their friends…the Kasovacs…dear friends…and in the stillness I am reminded that friends do stick around through the hard times…so many good friends that have been through life, death, divorce and celebration this last 5 years. I think of my beautiful friend Lexie that has not run from me because her life got dark and real…her three amazing boys that run alongside our boys every chance they get…BBs forever…the Waddells…all 7 of them…the ultimate memory of our Jesus captivating them with His love, so real, so safe…our boys forever changed by the innocent love of girls their age…the Piersons…family hide and seek, truth, and a safe place to talk about Holy Spirit…our boys share library books, they have learned to work things out and not run from the hard conversations…there are so many more but in the stillness tonight the Lord shows me these precious ones and says…this is why you slow down, do not be quick to throw your boys stuff aside…their memories are not yours! Gideon says…”mama you are the best mama” as Tobiah turns and adds his voice…”yea, you can tell by just looking at her, the way she is, she is a good mom.” It pierces my soul and His spirit fills the room…their memories are good, pure…they have two parents that love them, that love Jesus with a reckless abandonment…They trust their Jesus with their lives, their friends…they have said yes to our calling as a family…their pictures mean something to them…Gideon’s tears meant something yesterday as the plastic cup Grandma Starr drank Eegees out of on her last birthday crashed to the ground and broke…he said through deep sobs…”that gave me memories of grandma”. God has made things new in our boys, their souls, their spirits…He has taken the ashes of their parents’ past, their grandparents’ past and made it into a beautiful present and future…in the stillness I feel His embrace, His love, His sovereignty…He reminds me of His scripture in Isaiah 40:11…”He tends His flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in His arms and carries them close to His heart; He gently leads those that have young.”…His promise to us as parents…Then he reminds me through a dear friend and she gives me these words..."My dear Carla, the sermon at church yesterday made me think of you...John 13:23, "Now there was leaning on Jesus' bosom..."All the disciples were troubled by what Jesus had just told them and John sought comfort by laying his head on the chest of Jesus, he could hear the heartbeat of Jesus, he loved Jesus. That is the place we should all seek to live. That is the heartbeat we should all listen to. Your heart and life beats to that of Jesus." These words, that truth is healing balm to me as my prayer has been to know His heartbeat, for my boys to know His heartbeat...in the stillness tonight I journey into the calling the Lord has given and promised...Africa, it is His best for us...there will be beauty from ashes in the country of Mozambique...for their Shepherd is calling them...in the stillness...He will gather them close to His heart...