Oh how He Loves...

Lots of thoughts this week as I take in the world but most of all His Word. I believe we have difficulty reconciling that the God of the Old Testament is the same God of the New Testament. Why would God flood the earth but yet fully reveal Himself with such sacrificial love in Jesus instead of destroying the earth again? Man resisted the grace of God in the OT and the brutality of the law was manifested. In the NT Grace comes in the form of a man, a man that was also God...Jesus. I heard some simple wisdom this week..."I trust when I don't understand. I choose celebration in the middle of things I don't understand." We want to explain all God is in an instant without spending daily time with Him, in His Word with Holy Spirit interpreting. An evangelist I respect, Todd White commented... If God is not your Father and Holy Spirit your mentor, you will be in trouble; you will be codependent on someone instead of colaboring from someone. My view in this season is there is a lack of reading scripture and asking Holy Spirit to interpret...there are more leaders and evangelists seeking/standing on the platform of their safe/palpable theology then there are those kneeling down before His throne and being His hands, feet and moving Jesus. Explaining the scripture in full was never assigned to us. We bring attention to ourselves as we continue to apologize on behalf of "Christians" that have sinned against and brought shame against those of different lifestyles and beliefs instead of bringing attention to the one Who bore our sin, bore our shame, bore our wrath and has already forgiven us. This can be in a perspective false humility and almost a soft religious sales pitch to win someone over to hear your theology and then you become a hindrance between the true Voice and to the true Love...Jesus. He does not need us being His sales pitch, His sugar coating...the Blood actually covered it for us. It does not work in America and definitely not in a third world country. He is beautiful enough, passionate enough, strong enough, tender enough, in love with us enough to show Himself intimately to those who desire Him and His ways.

COURAGE...

In five days I will celebrate my 40th birthday...in Africa. I think of the months prior to our move and the words "you are courageous" bounce around in my head. I realize more than ever how we misunderstand true courage...how we mislabel unconditional love as acceptance. I read the international news today. I read about young girls 8-14 years of age being trained up in East Africa to perform sex acts in order to be sold or married off to men old enough to be their fathers and grandfathers. I think of how they have to wake up each morning to darkness when they should be basking in the warmth of the sun...COURAGE. I read about the history of genocide by Germany years ago in Nambia. I think of how they survived day after day in fear and under the oppression of the lie that they were not human...COURAGE. I read about Jesus appearing in a vision to an ISIS member and saying, "Follow Me", and he chooses to follow...COURAGE. I skim down and read about the Duggars and Bruce Jenner in America along with the surrounding opinions. The Duggars will have to recount the sins of their past for the jury known as social media. Bruce is to be honored with the Arthur Ashe Courage Award. My heart aches, my spirit grieves and groans. Memories flash before me of my parents as they battled to take their last breaths of physical life with dignity, remembering as they had to release all control for others to care for them and for their Abba to receive them...COURAGE. I remember many patients and family members I have cared for in my 15 years of nursing...diverse cultures, diverse backgrounds...sleepless night after sleepless night for all as they journeyed through uncontrolled pain and spiritual anguish...COURAGE. I look across the fence of my new home and see a 6 year old with a 6 month old wrapped on his back, walking barefoot along the road, smiling, semi-trucks speeding by with what is left of their brakes...COURAGE. I sit across from a 13 year old girl as she holds her 4 month old sibling and updates us on the amount of diarrhea she has had the last 24 hours, we instruct her on what to do next and she intently listens...COURAGE.  The most courageous people I have seen in my short 40 years will have no celebrity status, no award ceremony, no social media status battles declaring unconditional love and acceptance between Christian and Secular, instead there will be money exchanged for child sex slaves, funerals for infants that have lived for months without even being given a name along with unmarked graves, there will be years of grief for those that cared for the sick and dying, deep emotional wounds for those survivors that are told the holocaust and genocide never happened...COURAGE, COURAGE, and more COURAGE. I end my day thanking the Lord for new perspective, true perspective, eternal perspective...JESUS...He was beaten and tortured for us, took the wrath, bore the shame, was mocked, and is still mocked...COURAGE. He is my COURAGE, Christ in Carla and nothing more.

"For the Spirit God gave us does not make us timid, but gives us power, love, and self-discipline."
  -2 Timothy 1:7

Memories, in the stillness...

I have had a rough week with illness, not getting the work I need done and lots of time in bed and on the couch...in the stillness. There is so much that happens in the stillness…

We have been purging the house of unneeded items, extra items, items to sell, items I look at and say, “Why did I keep this? What is this?” Then there are the items that grip your heart, pierce the moment and the memories begin to leak out…

I am going to be 40 in June and it has become very real that I do not have my parents with me here on earth, I have no relationship with one of my brothers, and friends come and go in my life. It is sometimes easier for me to get rid of my stuff because so much of what God has for me and my family is in front of us; however, this week in the stillness I have heard His voice…slow down, slow down for your boys. He whispers...”I make all things new, beauty from ashes.” It is easy to go into faith mode with our little guys as they have shown such great trust in our Abba and in us as their earthly parents…it is easy to throw out pile after pile of my mom’s old bills, yearbooks, letters from old friends, stuff and more stuff. In the stillness tonight I realize the amount of pain, suffering, joy and love attached to the memories of these items…many of them painful as I see pictures of my dad playfully kissing my mom and my mom intentionally staring into my dad’s eyes as she sits on his lap…I have a picture of my sister Lana at 3 days old before prematurity took her life..she looks like a little man…then the memory leaks out in my mom’s voice…”that forever formed your dad’s ideas on abortion”. I smile as I see now why he loved babies so much. I have a card with a beautiful purple Iris flower on it that my dad actually wrote in for my mom…he was a man of few words so this is precious. I embrace the pain and the joy and the love that brought me into this world as a gift to my parents knowing now it is Christ in me that is a gift to the world…this truth wipes away the harsh words spoken over me during my time with my dying daddy…words spoken out of fear and pain from a woman…”Your dad never wanted to move from California and have you guys”. The words bastard and orphan are now wiped from my soul and my spirit overflows with the truth that I am His beloved…in the stillness I remember some of the last words my daddy spoke to me in his raspy, raw voice as it was eaten away by cancer…tears streamed down his cheeks and he said “remember how I said I had no regrets in my life, well if anyone ever tells you that then they are full of shit….I have one regret, that I walked away from you and your brother.”…there were more words in the stillness of that moment but they are not meant for now…

As I tucked the boys into bed tonight and we talked about how much fun they were going to have at their friends…the Kasovacs…dear friends…and in the stillness I am reminded that friends do stick around through the hard times…so many good friends that have been through life, death, divorce and celebration this last 5 years. I think of my beautiful friend Lexie that has not run from me because her life got dark and real…her three amazing boys that run alongside our boys every chance they get…BBs forever…the Waddells…all 7 of them…the ultimate memory of our Jesus captivating them with His love, so real, so safe…our boys forever changed by the innocent love of girls their age…the Piersons…family hide and seek, truth, and a safe place to talk about Holy Spirit…our boys share library books, they have learned to work things out and not run from the hard conversations…there are so many more but in the stillness tonight the Lord shows me these precious ones and says…this is why you slow down, do not be quick to throw your boys stuff aside…their memories are not yours! Gideon says…”mama you are the best mama” as Tobiah turns and adds his voice…”yea, you can tell by just looking at her, the way she is, she is a good mom.” It pierces my soul and His spirit fills the room…their memories are good, pure…they have two parents that love them, that love Jesus with a reckless abandonment…They trust their Jesus with their lives, their friends…they have said yes to our calling as a family…their pictures mean something to them…Gideon’s tears meant something yesterday as the plastic cup Grandma Starr drank Eegees out of on her last birthday crashed to the ground and broke…he said through deep sobs…”that gave me memories of grandma”. God has made things new in our boys, their souls, their spirits…He has taken the ashes of their parents’ past, their grandparents’ past and made it into a beautiful present and future…in the stillness I feel His embrace, His love, His sovereignty…He reminds me of His scripture in Isaiah 40:11…”He tends His flock like a shepherd: He gathers the lambs in His arms and carries them close to His heart; He gently leads those that have young.”…His promise to us as parents…Then he reminds me through a dear friend and she gives me these words..."My dear Carla, the sermon at church yesterday made me think of you...John 13:23, "Now there was leaning on Jesus' bosom..."All the disciples were troubled by what Jesus had just told them and John sought comfort by laying his head on the chest of Jesus, he could hear the heartbeat of Jesus, he loved Jesus. That is the place we should all seek to live. That is the heartbeat we should all listen to. Your heart and life beats to that of Jesus." These words, that truth is healing balm to me as my prayer has been to know His heartbeat, for my boys to know His heartbeat...in the stillness tonight I journey into the calling the Lord has given and promised...Africa, it is His best for us...there will be beauty from ashes in the country of Mozambique...for their Shepherd is calling them...in the stillness...He will gather them close to His heart...

 

Do Not Resuscitate…Breathe!

This blog may not be for all to read…it deals with a very sensitive reality…death…it also deals with the even greater reality of life in Christ. These words are written out of my own sufferings of losing many to cancer: childhood friends, one of my mentors and even my precious parents. It also overflows from the many years I have cared for those ending their journey here on earth and most recently in the last 5 years, in hospice care. It is a reality I face even greater now as my family and I head into great oppression and death at many levels in Mozambique. Thank you for taking the journey with me…

Do not resuscitate (DNR), or no code, is a legal order written in the hospital or on a legal form to withhold CPR or advanced cardiac life support, in respect of the wishes of a patient in case their heart were to stop or they were to stop breathing…As a hospice nurse, one of the most challenging scenarios is when you are caring for a person that is dying but you must honor their wish to NOT be a DNR.  The desire to be under hospice care to die and the desire to be resuscitated to live collide. It can be one of the most anguishing journeys for all involved, especially the person that is dying. The battle becomes beyond physical, it is a battle that engulfs one’s whole being.  

I see this more and more as the years go on as people of great faith pray for healing here on earth and those of no faith fear death and push it back with every breath they have left. I myself am learning to walk out my faith in prayer and healing or as my dear friend TL would say when you pray “swing for the fence”…praying with the faith that complete physical healing will happen here on earth. I also know that there is a greater promise…the completion that needs to take place when Jesus’ returns as written in Revelation 21:4 “He will wipe every tear from their eyes. There will be no more death or mourning or crying or pain, for the old order of things has passed away.”

There is an overwhelming fear in our country, our culture to think of “taking our last breath”. I remember delivering my first son Tobiah. It seemed as if everyone in the room was holding their breath waiting for him to take his first breath. Before I go further, let’s look at the word breath.

Breath…an inhalation or exhalation of air from the lungs.

Breath…the power of breathing; life; life force.

Breath…time to breathe; respite; pause.

Genesis 2:7 “And the Lord God formed a man from the dust of the ground, and breathed into his nostrils the breath of life.”

The fight to breathe can be physically painful, better known as “air hunger”. You feel the need to breathe but it is difficult so you may have an ongoing distressing feeling of not being able to get enough air. There may be a sense of pain or breathlessness. This becomes not only a physical struggle but a spiritual struggle, something I have experienced over and over with those dying and have prayed and studied on how to prevent and bring more comfort. I have now learned it has become a time where there needs to be a surrendering from the one dying and eventually a release of control. I have learned how to stay present during suffering through Holy Spirit.

To die, to take your last breath can be scary for many reasons…will I be in pain, will I suffer, what will happen to my spouse, what will happen to my children? I have to say I have struggled with these questions on many days… a day when I am in a home caring for a 30 year old with two small children. Their mama has breast cancer that has spread now to her brain, spine and other vital organs. I watch as her husband attempts to live life around her dying body…he is trying to figure out what to make for dinner as their young children sit by their mama who is now unable to respond to their hugs, kisses and banter back and forth as they do their homework. As the air hunger takes over her body you can see the lack of breath in her loved ones as the grief and pain is just too much…they hold their breath in anguish waiting for her last breath. The roles have reversed… a mama that held her breath as she awaited the first breath of her new born child.  Their dependence on each other is what makes the house a home…their presence in each other’s life has become their life force, their drive to breath. Their love for each other is what has given and strengthened their lives…

Wait! Breathe! Pause…

Genesis 2:7…God formed us; He breathed into the nostrils the breath of life…

Wait! Breathe! Pause…

We now see the reality that breathing, the power of breathing, inhaling and exhaling illustrates our vulnerability…it is a physical manifestation of our complete dependence on our Maker, our Breath Giver, our Life Force. We hunger for air…we hunger and battle…we fight until He speaks in a whisper…we learn to surrender…we learn to release. Most of all, we learn to be present in others’ suffering for He is our Breath, our Life Force and the reality is when we believe in Him and the sacrifice He made as He took His last breath on Calvary there is no “last breath” and no end of life. There is eternity, there is Sozo…complete, whole healing and salvation.  

Piles...

 

 

 

 

I sit in our office….surrounded by clutter. We sort, we pile, I move it, Ian asks where I moved the pile. I sit in our office surrounded by piles of memories…..my mom died over two years ago and there are boxes piled next to me, ready for me to sort….all that remains of her years of piles. I grade papers today and try to figure out how students can get their nursing degree so quickly now when it took me years and piles of late night work…..I am tired….I am weary….I sit in our office and think of my Jesus. When will I see Him face to face? How many more piles will I have to move, how many more years remain? It hits me deep….how many more remains…how many human remains? My piles seem to dim as I ponder the piles of lives……

Poor nutrition causes nearly half (45%) of deaths in children under 5…..3.1 million children each year. During the Rwanda genocide 800,000 people were killed in 6 weeks. During the Holocaust 11 million people died, 1.5 million of them children. In Sudan….480,000 people were killed and 2.8 million displaced. In 2008 there were 1.21 million babies killed by abortion in the United States…..

My boys yell for me to come snuggle, say their prays…..I move my piles, move away from the desk that has engulfed my life today……Gideon moves the piles of stuffed animals to make room for me beside him….I am tired….I am weary….we pray and talk of our Jesus. When will we see Him face to face? If you had 3 wishes, Jaidan asks…if for some reason we were somewhere where there is a genie in a bottle, what would you wish for? Goodness, I have piles of wishes……I again think of the lives lost including my own parents…..I weep softly next to Gideon…..the piles of memories that will never be known. Then Gideon answers…..I wish when we were born, we would go right into Heaven with Jesus!

My heart stills….I see a glimpse of my Jesus face to face in my very own child….my Gideon. I was lying in silence longing to see Jesus and the Lord heard my heart just as He heard Sarah laugh to herself as she thought about her age and giving birth to a child…..He hears our inner thoughts, the thoughts that go unspoken…..He calms my heart….He acknowledges my weakness without shame…..He reminds me…..He speaks to me through the verses of the song playing softly on my computer…..

The dust that we were made of
Is calling us to free them
The earth that we were pulled from
Is crying, "liberate us!"

We won't be satisfied
'Till the earth looks just like heaven

Like the waters cover the sea
Let the earth be filled with Your glory
'Till the prayers You prayed become reality
And the earth looks just like heaven…….

I realize I have carried a pile of burdens this week, burdens that do not belong to me but He reminds me of my prayer….”break my heart Lord for what breaks yours”. He is a good God, a God that honored my request…..and for a few minutes tonight my heart broke, it broke for lives lost, it broke for injustice, it broke for war, it broke and wept…….and in my brokenness I caught a glimpse of His face, just like when He looked into the eyes of the hemorrhaging woman…..He sees my heart…..He calls me daughter.

 

 

 

 

Suffering, Joy, Salvation...

The Lord has been preparing me these last few weeks to teach, preach....whatever you like to say women do at church when they talk about Jesus, His love, and His Word up in front like the pastor usually does. That could be an entirely different blog. :) The three words that have consistently been in my readings, my current experiences and in my family's journey are Suffering, Joy and Salvation. Jesus suffered for us all because we were His joy and His gift to us was and is Salvation. What do we do with our suffering? Someone once said, "Suffering is always an opportunity for grace but only after it has been picked up and embraced. The real goal of life is to keep expanding the heart, to grow it outward, for the life of the world." I am thankful Jesus embraced death and the cross fully so I could have eternal life. God has also spoken many times this week about the faith of Abraham, the promises, the covenants, and the ultimate covenant of Jesus. All these readings and reflections just to remind me that He is good.....He is good ALL the time. How will we sacrifice? How will we be love in action? How will we embrace another's suffering knowing it will bring them great joy?

God has reminded me this evening of my words to Him in a journal entry I wrote before the day I moved in with my dying mother to care for her.  I see His right hand this day fulfilling my prayer as Gideon called me into his room two nights ago and this was our discussion...

"Mama, you know who I want to be like?"

"No Gideon, tell me."

"I want to be like Jesus." I lied down next to him and looked into his eyes... "What does that mean Gideon, describe what that looks like?"

"Well Jesus did lots of things, He created the world..."

"What else Gideon, what else would you like to do?"

"I want to raise people from the dead, love them and heal them."

Just as simple as that Gideon knew in his spirit....why? Because Jesus is already living in Gideon through Holy Spirit! Gideon has the heart of His Abba, His Heavenly Father.

And this is my journal entry from 5/8/12...

"Tomorrow I begin a new journey as I take time to be with my mama-sacrifice my life as she loses hers. Today I trust You Lord, I trust You to hold me, give me rest in the long suffering, that I will be Your hands and feet. Lord, hold my family, my little guys in Your right hand-comfort them and speak to them each day-even Gideon at 3 years old-beckon him to Your heart. Speak to them as they grow to be men that love You. You remind me that my faith can be as Abraham and Paul-they moved in action as God asked because He would do as He promised. I stand in that faith and the love of my Abba Father-thank You Jesus."

Beauty for ashes....there is always a great exchange. My mama's physical life and in return her grandchildren's great faith and their eternal life...

Expectations...

I have learned over the last 4 years that I cannot place expectations on others, on my relationships. This has brought me great freedom. I like you all have lost dear friends because of expectations. We all want to be "peacekeepers" but it takes great humility to be "peacemakers". To admit we have chinks in our armor as my dear friend De Landgraf says. I was able to care for my dying parents and many others in need because of no expectations.... was it easy, no.....was it worth it , yes....because we are all worth it. You do not abandon people because you once were abandoned. You love people because deep inside they know Love and when you love them they recognize the Maker of that Love. My identity is Christ, My future is Christ, My healing is Christ, My reality is Christ. Suffering and Joy will continue to journey together with me as I live out the Kingdom. We are to walk as Jesus after all and if you read the Word He continually walked through Joy and Suffering but did so with Power and Authority. If you look through the eyes of our Abba at people, you are going to feel their suffering and grief like their Daddy. God cannot disappoint us as He is only good.....We cannot place expectations on Him that are not true of His character and His promises.... The reality is He shed His blood for all of us and we all belong to Him.....you may not believe it but it does not change the truth. You are precious, blameless and royalty because you belong to Him. We are in covenant.....We are His joy...We are His love.