Piles...

 

 

 

 

I sit in our office….surrounded by clutter. We sort, we pile, I move it, Ian asks where I moved the pile. I sit in our office surrounded by piles of memories…..my mom died over two years ago and there are boxes piled next to me, ready for me to sort….all that remains of her years of piles. I grade papers today and try to figure out how students can get their nursing degree so quickly now when it took me years and piles of late night work…..I am tired….I am weary….I sit in our office and think of my Jesus. When will I see Him face to face? How many more piles will I have to move, how many more years remain? It hits me deep….how many more remains…how many human remains? My piles seem to dim as I ponder the piles of lives……

Poor nutrition causes nearly half (45%) of deaths in children under 5…..3.1 million children each year. During the Rwanda genocide 800,000 people were killed in 6 weeks. During the Holocaust 11 million people died, 1.5 million of them children. In Sudan….480,000 people were killed and 2.8 million displaced. In 2008 there were 1.21 million babies killed by abortion in the United States…..

My boys yell for me to come snuggle, say their prays…..I move my piles, move away from the desk that has engulfed my life today……Gideon moves the piles of stuffed animals to make room for me beside him….I am tired….I am weary….we pray and talk of our Jesus. When will we see Him face to face? If you had 3 wishes, Jaidan asks…if for some reason we were somewhere where there is a genie in a bottle, what would you wish for? Goodness, I have piles of wishes……I again think of the lives lost including my own parents…..I weep softly next to Gideon…..the piles of memories that will never be known. Then Gideon answers…..I wish when we were born, we would go right into Heaven with Jesus!

My heart stills….I see a glimpse of my Jesus face to face in my very own child….my Gideon. I was lying in silence longing to see Jesus and the Lord heard my heart just as He heard Sarah laugh to herself as she thought about her age and giving birth to a child…..He hears our inner thoughts, the thoughts that go unspoken…..He calms my heart….He acknowledges my weakness without shame…..He reminds me…..He speaks to me through the verses of the song playing softly on my computer…..

The dust that we were made of
Is calling us to free them
The earth that we were pulled from
Is crying, "liberate us!"

We won't be satisfied
'Till the earth looks just like heaven

Like the waters cover the sea
Let the earth be filled with Your glory
'Till the prayers You prayed become reality
And the earth looks just like heaven…….

I realize I have carried a pile of burdens this week, burdens that do not belong to me but He reminds me of my prayer….”break my heart Lord for what breaks yours”. He is a good God, a God that honored my request…..and for a few minutes tonight my heart broke, it broke for lives lost, it broke for injustice, it broke for war, it broke and wept…….and in my brokenness I caught a glimpse of His face, just like when He looked into the eyes of the hemorrhaging woman…..He sees my heart…..He calls me daughter.